62: My motivation

I hate school. I have no motivation for school. That's probably the main reason I'm failing.

As a matter of fact, I don't have motivation for anything. I may as well become a wall -- I wouldn't have to do anything. Actually, now that I've thought about it; walls kind of support the building and make rooms. I think. I'm not certain if that's the true purpose because I don't have any motivation to learn about walls in school. So, I guess I shouldn't become a wall because they actually do something..

-

I have preliminaries next week.

Four exams for history, maths, English and science.

I'm not competent enough to sit any of them. Shit.

-

School has a Teacher's Only Day today, so school's out for a long weekend. Last night, I made my mental to-do list consisting of only one thing.

Study for your HISTORY EXAM.

And a few pointers that supports the main to-do..

Focus!

Focus!

Focus!

I have done nothing. Goodbye pleasant future.

Hello School of How to Busk and Pick-Pocket for You are Homeless.

-

I do realise that I do look too far into the future and that I am incredibly morbid and negative and have had a shortage of happy thoughts for a very long time. I'm also very lazy. This all needs to stop. This post isn't even making any sense.

-

I must now study for my History prelims/exams. Goodbye

61: I'm a sloth

It's the first week of holidays! Since Monday, I haven't woken up earlier than noon. Since Monday, I haven't done anything school related. Since Monday, I haven't been outside my house - except to put stuff into the recycling bin but you get what I mean. Right?

-

What I'm trying to say is that the holidays, for me, has a double edged sword.

On one side, I don't have to go to school anymore. I don't have to do work, I can sleep in and I can do nothing. I'm free! Now, on the other side, I have a lot of time on my hands. I don't have anything to do and no one wants to hang out at on days that I'm free. I'm bored!

-

I wake up hungry and watch T.V. while eating. My food will be finished but my show won't be. I finish the show but then another show comes on that I like. After that, it's an on going chain of addicting shows to watch after another. The next thing you know, the sun's gone and you're hungry again. You then stop watching T.V. and check your Facebook. While you're at it, you start eating. 3 hours have gone by on Facebook alone, you then remember you have to check your Tumblr and you spend a few hours on that. I even skipped dinner today because I didn't want to leave my laptop. For, I skipped dinner, 2 in the morning was the time Dumb Me decided it was time to eat. I'm so annoyed with myself. I made a sandwich and I am now on here to vent as my food is digested. Guess what? The next day, when you wake up at midday, this whole thing will start again. kjfgkgkaf

-

After this reflecting period, I can conclude that:

• T.V. is a brilliant drug. A bad but brilliant drug.
• Facebook is an annoying drug. It's like the 'elephant in the room' kind of drug.
• Tumblr is a drug. A nice drug but still grasps the definition. I can't stay away. I.. I.. You know those 30 Day Challenge things? Yes, well, I can't just do one challenge a day. No, no, no, I do 3 challenges a day. I do the challenges that were made for Day 6 on Day 3- That's how into Tumblr I am these days.. I think It's because I have nothing to do anymore..
• I haven't had fresh air in three days.

-

This is an odd post. A bad one, there's no intro, plot , or ending of decency. I think it's because I have only eaten a peanut butter sandwich in the last 5 hours- completely my fault btw. Mmmh this is getting boring. Bye!

60: I'm over it

I need to get over this. This is a stupid waste of time. You always ignore me and totally disregard my existence. I miss you and I miss the way we used to be. I don't like being treated like less than two shits. It's not nice. Everything just sucks, and it's sucked for a very long time. All because of you. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

59: I print-screened it..

..just in case you took back what you said, and it disappeared. lol I'm tricky like that..

58: Meditate

I need to unclench my fists, there's too much oestrogen in this annoying house. CHATCHATBLAPBLAPCHIT that's how everyone in my house sounds. Usually I tolerate it all and I'm usually a part of it but nowadays every word anyone says is like nails to a chalk board. As they argue about what wallet she should be bringing I just bite my tongue and my inner cheeks as hard as I can. I'm getting ulcers. My eyebrows have permanently tensed - I don't know how to describe it, I just look very distressed/pissed off.

-

I'm not annoyed at them, it's me, I feel on edge all the time now and I don't know what's wrong. I get really annoyed at everything-- breathe heavily, clench teeth, tight jaw. Today I meditated. Not the 'traditional' way or using special techniques from the web. Just me trying to relax, I play my music, unfold my body (letting my energy run freely, without any steep turns), I breathe in deeply, hold it in, breathe out and try to ignore the fact the walls are so thin.

-

What they're talking about isn't even thing to be distressed about, it's just boring and normal shit that I'm getting worked up about. I think I'm just really bored and pissed at something I can't put finger on so I take out on this. I'm talking out of my ass right, being such a whinge. Buh I'm over it. Bye.

image source

Long over due

It is the 26th of June, that's a little less than a year that I last posted on here. I really liked using this one instead of my Tumblr because nobody knows of this, so I can get real down with the personal stuff but I don't know, I just left it for sometime and Tumblred a lot, reblogging lots of cute cats and pretty clothes.. Everyone needs to vent aye, this was my vent place.

-

I feel weird saying personal stuff on Tumblr, I know too many of the people who follow me so that'd be awkward.. and I always think twice before I reblog something because I think about what people will judge me as or something. Like, it's just Tumblr, who gives a shit what anyone thinks right? But idk I just do, that's pretty messed up - I'm weary on Tumblr.

In conclusion, I'm going to start posting stuff here again. Goodnight.

56: WEST SIDE

hi, i miss you two.

-

we're one week into the holidays and my mind is in a haze. woh, didn't mean for that to rhyme but that was pretty awesome. there's sun outside and i'm at home. ineedtogetout.

-

i've basically been covered in pixie dust throughout the past week going on badass adventures with my lost boys..and girls. we ran ran ran. i honestly didn't even know where we were for a while. we shared fantasised stories sitting on the ghetto grass, about how anonymouswe were gonna fall in love.. we ended up in summerland playing hide and seek. just us. it would've been nice if *shake like a pom pom wasn't playing in the background. sitting on that spot. questions. no holding back. but yeah i gotta say, i love those kids and it's not gonna be entirely the same anymore. ♥

-

but i can't help but feel that i held back. i did. i just played happy and unreal. i wanted to be raw. i just couldn't. the moment's passed and i have to deal with the glass being half empty. i ruined my chance.

55: LAZY < BORED

mum and dad having a lazy saturday. i'm bored as hell. not just because of the lazy day. but of everything. everyone is just.. so boring. i want the rush of having something to do in the morning, afternoon, at night. having somewhere you need to be, doing something all hours of the day. shopping, lunching, beaching it out. gosh i just want something to do than just stay home alone doing chores, fbooking then going to school.

-

gawd i'm in a rut. i need a life, grow up janine.

this is all useless

54: RANT

eugh my life is so lame these days. i completely loathe my so called "friend" gosh we used to have so much fun together. now she's bloody whipped, minor slut.

-

i don't like waiting around afterschool as much. i get so peeved at dumb stuff that my friends do out there. it's so random to stand around hugging a greasy fool for 5 friggin' minutes. i think some of the girls in my school get excited that they know boys, like a privelige. WTTFFF?! yeah some are cool but .. chill out. gawwwd do it where i won't gag.

-

my oh my. i'm female dog'd

source: the olivia lo

52: MOTHERLOAD

hey mum, it's your day. dad, mum and i had a good feed at this stonegrill place. they made uss cook our own raw meat on a hot brick. pretty good i guess, i was just freaking out that i wouldn't cook it enough and you know..pass out. have a good one mum.

-

eugh you, you have the ability to suck everything good out of me. leaving dry bitter remains. you really do, give yourself a pat on the back. i nearly felt sorry for you because you're so desperate for unnecessary acceptance that you find the ones who truly cared as competition.. and so you assasinate us, one by one.

by god you're a low one.

51: TIRED

okay, so i really hate you. i'm immature and young. i think you take everything from me. i get the feeling like you're stealing my personality and my identity. i'm being immature and irrational but i don't care. you need to show me up. all. the. time. you never stop, honestly. you already won in every single catergory. not that i compete but you have every area down. you're loaded, skinny, pretty, hot bod, guys drool when you're next to me. i hate having to put your selfish feelings before mine. i'm not being conceited i swear it's just..i've put up with you since we in primary. i'm just tired of being your doormat.

50: SOMETHING

i think andy was on the right track with this. my eyes were inseperable from your whole existence and now it's hard to look through your eyes. this sucks. you suck. she sucks. you suck for thinking she doesn't suck. i suck for thinking something was really there. i'm as stupid as a dopekid. that's pretty cool though, being a dopekid but yeah the point is that i'm an idiot.

JANUARY THE 20TH

on my birthday i didn't wake up to this but i did have a big day with my sister. sometimes she can be on pms 24/7 but other times she can be the best. MY FRIENDS ARE BESTEST BEST BEST PEOPLE I KNOW. and might i add the best surprise party specialists! *hint hint. saturday was sweet guys, love you's!

48: SICK SICK SUCK

my summer vacation can be put into three words. nothing, sick, boredom. what ever happened to suddenly change the mood of holidays? lately i've been getting sick week after week. i stay home everyday and watch my sisters go in and out of the front door. i seen these 4 walls forever. your friends become different people the longer you've been away. was it me who changed or them? uugh this is sounding so sappy and gay. fml

47: RULES

rules. i know this will sound selfish but i think my sister and i have it worse than other kids. fun with my friends is so complicated even when they're not even in the country. sometimes i think my mother is watching me do stuff secretly and that makes me terrified. damn asian parents. fml fml fml

46: I MISS

being sick isolates you from the world. i miss my friends, fresh air, fun, normal food. i have absolutely nothing to do at home. i'm left to mope around having the same routine. i wake up. eat. tv. eat. computer. text. eat. shower. eat. tv. sleep. i'm never gonna fit my jeans now :( i'm sooo bored out of my mind i start looking for random things. i'm going to be sick on my birthday. life is the best. so is sarcasm.

45: SUMMER

i'm happy, school's out for the summer. do i need to say anymore than that? right now i'm feeling like a child who ate the cake..GOOD GOOD GOOD. all i want is to feel the sun's kisses run down my skin and my friends giving me much much love. my goal this summer is to pulverise that killerbuzz that lies within my brain. i'm going to change this summer, for the best.

44: WHY WHY WHY SWEET DELILAH

friends boys yourself.

so damn difficult. so damn confusing. so damned.

friends do stupid things, boys have stupid things done to them, you feel like it's all happening to you.

the world does not revolve around you, remember that janine. if you don't know this then you should get ready for some deep sh--

i hate how everyone acts like the miniscule detail in a small conversation turns out to be the key to the question that they've been (fake) wondering the whole time. if you wanted to know so badly why couldn't you just be there instead of being such a pussy and begging me. i hate you for that. i really do, sometimes it's hard to look at the side i know is my best friend because of the massive bitch that's staring me down.

43: GRR GRR GRR

I HATE HATE HATE it when people do things out of impulse and it's so random and inappropriate. asking stupid stupid questions! it make everyone especially me feel like shit and uncomfortable. fuck fuck i'm really pissed off at you even if you don't read this. i'm gonna change my voice or atleast try to control it. not for singing ew just because i know it sounds really annoying sometimes when i talk to people. i sound like The Nanny. gross

42: SECURITY

can you be a different person around someone and switch in an instant to another? i wonder that everyday when i'm with my friends. i see them change personalities towards that one girl that isn't so pretty. i wonder if i do it too and i hope to whoever that i stop. thing is i have no idea if i do. i wish lying didn't exist or i could read minds so i'd know what they really thought. i really hate the judgement that's thrown on your face and left to linger in your mind. it makes you so insecure to everyone around you even your best friends. i hope i've never judged but i know for certain that i always do. everyone does and it's natural but it doesn't stop the way it hurts right? bleh this depressing shit is bringing my vibe down, deep thinking sucks